Have you ever been in an argument and reacted badly, and then afterwards wished you had handled it differently? It’s a horrible feeling, when you don’t know how to use emotional intelligence.
The puzzling thing is, some people are able to stay calm under pressure, and some people can’t. So what’s their secret to stay calm in such situations? You’re watching them stay calm, wishing you could do exactly the same thing.
Using emotional intelligence is the answer and truly understanding what it is and how it works will change the way you lead.
In this article, I’ll explain the five core components of emotional intelligence, the signs you can look for, why it matters, and practical tips you can use to start building your emotional intelligence.
Table of Contents
What Is Emotional Intelligence? (The Simple Definition)
Emotional intelligence is about understanding how to manage your emotions under pressure. It can help you bounce back from setbacks and navigate different relationships. It can also help you build resilience in all areas of your life.
Where Did Emotional Intelligence Come From?
Daniel Goleman, an American psychologist, author, and science journalist, popularised the concept in the 1990s. Goleman didn’t invent it, but he did make it famous. He built upon earlier research by psychologists Peter Salovey and John Mayer, who developed the original concept of emotional intelligence.
As a New York Times journalist, Daniel Goleman, took the academic idea from Salovey and Mayer, and brought it to millions of ordinary people. In his 1995 book, “Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ”, he argued that emotional intelligence is just as important as IQ for success in all areas of your life.
Your EQ can matter more than your IQ in your everyday life. Because traditional IQ measures how well you think, but it doesn’t measure how well you actually live. Goleman’s main argument was that the skills that determine how successful you are in real life have almost nothing to do with your IQ level.
IQ Can Get You in the Door, But EQ Can Keep You There
Here are a couple of examples, which might ring some bells for you:
- An average student who goes on to become a great leader. This person was not the smartest in the classroom but they are very self-aware, empathetic and great with people.
- A brilliant colleague who never gets promoted at work. Your colleague has a high IQ, but dismisses the feelings of others, can’t read the room, and loses their temper when they are under pressure.
Your EQ can even help you in an interview. Employers are increasingly looking to hire people with high EQs over high IQ, because skills can be taught, but real emotional maturity is harder to find.
How to Manage Your Emotions Using the 5 Pillars of EQ
These five pillars of emotional intelligence are not just theory. These are the exact things I see leaders wrestling with every single day. The ones who transform aren’t the ones who have it all together. They’re the ones who are finally brave enough to look inside themselves and learn how to manage their emotions.
1) Self-awareness (recognising your own emotions)
As a leader, you might have mastered the art of looking composed on the outside. But being self aware is all about understanding what is happening underneath your calm exterior.
You might notice your chest tightening before you have a big meeting, or realise you have been snapping at somebody in your team, not because of something at work, but because there was something unresolved at home.
I find that is often a breakthrough moment for high-performing leaders, in my coaching and workshops, when they finally admit, “I don’t actually know what I am feeling, half the time“. That moment is when real change starts to happen.
2) Self-regulation (managing your reactions)
Leaders are always under constant pressure to perform when they are at work, as they need to make decisions and hold space for everyone else. Often, they are falling apart inside.
Self-regulation doesn’t mean you have to start suppressing your emotions, which is probably what you have done for years. It’s about actually processing your emotions before they start leaking out sideways. For example, you might start sending out a few sharp emails, have a sudden burnout, or start withdrawing from others.
I teach people not to start feeling less, but to feel more safe, so they can lead better.
3) Motivation (staying driven beyond external rewards)
You’ve probably hit every target and title at work, but you still feel empty inside. That’s because you are running on external motivation, through things like achievement, status, and validation from people.
As an example, you might have been chasing your next promotion but you end up feeling hollow inside when you achieve it. That hollowness is worth paying attention to as it is usually a sign you’ve been chasing the wrong thing.
Emotional intelligence shifts everything inwards. It’s all about reconnecting to why you do what you are doing, beyond the salary or a LinkedIn title. I help professionals find meaning again so they can move from burnout and back to purpose.
4) Empathy (understanding others’ emotions)
There is usually a bit of a paradox going on here. You might be deeply empathetic to everybody who is around you, but you could be completely disconnected from your own pain. For example, you might be able to read a room and support your team and hold people as they go through difficulties, but you might not give the same compassion to yourself.
I help people feel empathy for themselves, because at the end of the day, you can’t give something to others properly, if you are not giving it to yourself. It’s also not a sign of weakness to do this, it can radically change your life for the better.
5) Social skills (managing relationships effectively)
If you are a leader who is struggling internally you will find that your relationships start suffering quietly as well. You will find that you are more guarded and less present. This setup can make you even harder to reach.
It’s important to note that social skills in EQ are not about charming people or being popular. It’s about being 100% real.
The leaders I work with find that when they drop their mask, even a little bit, it makes them more respected and trusted, not less. This authentic connection is a leadership superpower, and it all starts with emotional intelligence.
Signs You Have High vs. Low EQ
You can check this comparison table and see where you currently sit:
| High EQ | Low EQ |
|---|---|
| You notice when your mood shifts and can name why | Your emotions catch you off guard or feel confusing |
| You pause before reacting in a heated moment | You say or do things in anger you later regret |
| You can sit with discomfort without needing to fix it immediately | You avoid difficult emotions or push them down |
| You genuinely listen to understand, not just to reply | You find it hard to see situations from someone else's view |
| You take accountability without excessive self-blame | You get defensive when given feedback or criticism |
| You stay motivated even when recognition is absent | You struggle to keep going without external validation |
| Conflict feels manageable — you address it calmly | Conflict feels threatening — you avoid it or escalate it |
| You recover from setbacks with self-compassion | Setbacks knock your confidence for a long time |
| People feel safe being honest and vulnerable with you | People feel they have to walk on eggshells around you |
| You extend the same compassion to yourself that you give others | You are far harder on yourself than you would be on anyone else |
Why Emotional Intelligence Matters
When your EQ shifts, your whole life becomes quieter. It’s not because things stop being hard, it’s because you stop fighting yourself at the same time as fighting everything else.
Here’s what that looks like across the different areas of your life.
In relationships
- You communicate what you feel without shutting down or exploding
- Conflict becomes a conversation, not a battle
- You show up with empathy — even when it's hard
- Trust deepens because people feel truly heard by you
At work
- Leaders with high EQ build teams that actually want to follow them
- You stay composed under pressure when others unravel
- Feedback lands well — you give it and receive it gracefully
- Your calm in the storm becomes your most valued leadership trait
For your wellbeing
- You stop carrying emotions you haven't even named yet
- Anxiety reduces when you understand what's driving it
- You bounce back from difficult times with more self-compassion
- The mask comes off — and life feels lighter for it
Quick Practical Tips to Start Building EQ Today
The good news is, your EQ can be developed at any age and it starts by taking small, consistent steps. Here are a few practical tips that you can start using from today.
1) Pause Before Reacting
If you find yourself in a tense situation, either in your personal or professional life, take a moment to breathe and pause before you react. That pause will stop you from overreacting and will help you to respond in a calm way.
2) Name Your Emotions
At different times during interactions with others and when you are alone, start noticing your emotions and naming them. Once you start understanding the different types of emotions that you are experiencing, it will help you to be more gentle with yourself.
3) Practice Active Listening
When you are in conversation with somebody, really listen to them. Don’t wait impatiently for them to finish so you can set off making your point. Give respect to the other person and listen to what they are saying, even when you feel the urge to eagerly jump in. It will get easier over time.
4) Journal Regularly
Getting into the habit of journaling every day helps you organise your thoughts, stay focused and more in tune with how you’re really feeling. You can do this first thing in the morning, at the end of the day or both. Whatever works best for you.
5) Seek Feedback From Trusted People
If you find you are struggling and don’t know what to do next, reach out to somebody you trust and ask them for feedback. That person may point out something you had not thought about and could help you in more ways than one.
Next Steps
Now you understand what emotional intelligence is, where the concept came from, and how it can help you. You can start to use the practical tips in the article to help you. Becoming more self-aware is by far the first step to learning how to manage your emotions.
Ready to start working on your emotional intelligence? Download the free Reset & Rise Toolkit, which has practical tools to help you understand your emotions, manage your reactions, and lead from a place of strength.
Sally Leslie is the founder of The Leslie Link. She speaks, runs workshops, and coaches leaders and senior professionals, helping them build the emotional intelligence, meditation practice, and resilience. She’s the author of Think Clearly. Lead Calmly. A Guide for Leaders Under Pressure. Based between Newcastle, UK and Mallorca, Spain. Sign up to her Calm Leadership newsletter.
